Not for the food, anyway.

Simon tells me that I can’t do this. He says it’s unacceptable to egg you on with two separate posts about how I’m going to embarrass myself – and ask you to make bread dough, even – and then leave you hanging. What Simon says is gospel, but even if his name were Miles it would still be true — I really do owe you an apology.

Would it help to know some back story? Things like I just started teaching an intensive, short-semester writing course, and two classes in I’m inundated with papers to grade? My fault, I realize, but there’s really no way around that.  Or how about that when my class ends Simon and I are hopping on a plane to England, and after visiting Simon’s family, the Tate Modern, the largest bookstore in the world and the best fish and chips on the planet, we’ll head to Spain and Italy.  Someplace along those travels we’re getting hitched, and then we’ll come back and throw a big, if not entirely traditional, reception.  That’s really what’s distracting me from you, dear readers. I’ve really missed you.

Let’s recap then. Last time on BABS, Beanstock showed you how to make your own curiously sweet and nicely spicy mustard, and then off-handedly instructed you to throw some no-knead dough in the refrigerator (where perhaps it still sit. Very sorry about that).  Then she offered that any day now she was going to publicly hand back her foodie badge.

Shall we do it then? Do you even care anymore? Here it is:

Probably never thought you’d be staring down a plate of hot dogs on a vegetarian, know-your-food, heirloom bean and culinary biodiversity website. Worst part is, you’re not exactly.  No, it gets more embarrassing.

This is faux meat. Maybe those of you who are not vegetarian can tell just by looking (I think the white balance was off on the camera….) but it’s been 20 years since I’ve eaten meat and so Morningstar’s Veggie Italian Sausage wraps up pretty well in a blanket to me. Hey, vegetarians need junk food too! When you add good (but not too good) brick or cheddar cheese, a gourmet mustard, and chunks of course salt, the total package is really tasty and just ballpark enough.  I’m slightly embarrassed to be claiming this dish publicly, but I won’t apologize for it.

Anyway, there probably is some manner of bean in the mash.

Morningstar ingredients are probably genetically modified, grown without a thought towards sustainability and shipped across the world (though I don’t know this for certain), but when I’m craving easy, mindless, low-carb food it does the trick for me. You should know though that these Italian-style sausages are very heavy on the fennel, so if you can’t stomach that then go for the black bean burgers instead.

Needless to say, Lucy was very disappointed in me, but she dutifully offered up a wine pairing anyway. And in fact, what she had to say might very well redeem me, if there is salvation by association. And don’t forget, there’s always beer!

Lucy writes: The thing about wine is that it loves fat.  The acidity and tannins of wine were made to soften the edges of anything rich and meaty.  Indeed, the very thing that clogs our arteries and expands our waistlines melds magically with anything from the vine. With this in mind, for those who decide to throw caution and solid medical advice to the wind, and make this with real sausage, I would recommend Barbera, a fantastic and overlooked Italian red varietal, or a New World (preferably Washington) Merlot.

If you must eschew the pleasures of flesh, I would suggest a crisp white that will not compete with the fennel and mustard flavors.  Vernaccia di San Gimignano is a Tuscan white that works well with fennel and is easily found at most larger wine shops.  White Bordeaux would also be quite delicious.  No need to spring for a headliner bottle.  Simple bottles of White Bordeaux may be found for well under $15.The best pairing of all, however, will work for both carnivore and vegetarian alike.  Any rose, although a softer rose of Pinot Noir would be my suggestion, will provide enough heft, but not clash with the strong flavors.

Before I deliver the recipe, I want to let you know that since I’ve got this wedding thing going on, I could be spotty here for the next several weeks. But I’m still reading your blogs, and still planning food to share with you.  Even better – I already know what we’ll be eating next time, and it’s got tepary beans in it. See you soon!

The Recipe:
Vegetarian Pigs in Pretzel Dough Blankets

4 servings

A batch of no-knead bread dough
4 Morningstar Veggie Italian Sausages
4-5 ounces Brick cheese (cheddar works well too, and goat cheese complements the fennel)
Curiously Sweet and Nicely Spicy mustard (or another of your liking)
A large kettle of water, heated to a roiling boil
Coarse sea salt

If you’ve pre-made your no-knead dough and it’s been sitting the fridge, bring it out, separate it into fist-sized chunks and let warm for 20 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees (give or take, depending on your oven. On mine, it’s closer to 440 degrees). Bring a 5 quart kettle of water to a hard boil.

Skillet-cook the Italian sausages over medium-high heat until they’re browned on all sides. Let cool slightly.

On a floured work surface, stretch or roll the bread dough into generally rectangular shapes that are slightly longer than the Italian sausages..  Lay a stripe of mustard along the front end, then place the sausage behind it. Stuff pieces of cheese behind this, tucking in tightly. Then pull the sides up and tuck them over the top, then starting from the mustard side, roll the dough into a tight bundle. You may have to stretch it as you go but that’s okay, it’s yeast dough. Make sure the bundles are sealed on all edges. If you’re having trouble getting it to stick, , run fingers under cold water and then rub the seams.

With a slotted spoon, lower two of the dough bundles into the boiling water for about 8 seconds. All sides should be submerged – if not, flip the pretzel and let the other side boil too. Remove from water and place on a baking tray lined with parchment and sprinkle them with the salt. At this point you could also add toasted garlic or chile flakes if you wish.. Repeat with the remaining two pretzels.

Bake for 30-35 minutes, until dough is puffed and golden brown.  Serve with a bowl of the mustard, or (if you’re crazy like me) hot sauce for dipping. Then sit back, watch the game, and enjoy — and don’t ever tell anyone you heard it from a vegetarian!